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Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I have this thing about my tits.
I just don't like having them squeezed hard enough to hurt.
I am NOT into pain.
For those who like it, fine. Do your thing. Just don't invite me.

For the last thirty years, I have "just said no" whenever my wonderful, trusted friend and physician, Doctor Thom has gently insisted I get a mammogram. Then last week, I felt just the slightest twinge of a hurtyness in the right puppy. Well, I'm very much a do-it-yourself, Campho-Phenique and Epsom Salts sort of gal, but I'm not entirely stupid. Soooo, I call and let them schedule me for the procedure. Now if ever there were a word to make my flesh crawl, that's it. "Procedure" just sounds like something from an S&M scenario to me and here's the S&M film I never want to see, much less live through again. Mamory Mangler.

Place tit in vice, close vice until tit is squeezed into an IHOP special - sans the syrup. Fainting is not an option, as slumping will only increase the pain. Hold breath (as if you could breath through the pain) until technician, who has gone to another county to avoid the radiation, returns to pull out one plate and stick in another. Rinse, repeat, and so forth. Then you get to do the other tit!

Now, I admit, I have done some fairly kinky things in my checkered past, both as as a porn actress and, prior to those heady days, on numerous casting couches. 

But I have never, ever, ever in my whole entire life, experienced pain of this magnitude. 

Not even the time I tried to keep my sailboat
from hitting the dock by sticking my hand down between it and the pilings. 

I was trying to protect the beautiful brightwork I had just spent two months applying. 

OK. That was stupid, but my own doing. 

The mamogram monster looms as an inevitable torture that women are expected to endure periodically, just because they're women. Like childbirth, I suppose. Could cancer hurt any worse? I may live to find out, because, I ain't getting these babies caught in that kind of wringer ever again, no how, no way, uh uh.

End of rant. Feel free to tell me how wrong I am. Better yet, feel free to invent a way to screen for breast cancer without a PROCEDURE that simply can NOT be good for that sensitive tissue.

Hee hee - in response to this rant, I just received:

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